OPEN LETTER 2 THE BRITISH LABOUR MOVEMENT:

June 6th 1945 6:30

FROM BOB TIT:

Fuck 'em!

Last night I sped I speeded off my Tit to a hastily arranged NO2EU NO 2 DEMOCRACY rally in the Rochester Castle, Stoke Newington, where of course I was the main speaker.
Arriving in the nick of time, I met Peter Taafe and Anita Halpin on the threshold, in a follow-me-leader tizz as usual. I began to outline a change of tack, a new direction, fresh ideas, a new radical agenda imported from Continental Europe I was about to unhash on our motley crew of supporters.
Taafe's response was:
"Yr babbling Bob"
I responded by demanding he lend me a fiver, that I was brassic and telling him I'd shine his head for a tanner.
Anita cut in, asking if I actually knew anything about how an auction for a beautiful painting in Sotheby's was conducted?
I retorted by demanding she give me £5000 in used notes in a brown paper bag, as she was stinking rich...she declined...
I sacked them both on the spot and charged into the crowded bar - the glistening faces beaded with alcohol juice swaying my suspirating angels they needed me and I need them...
I mounted the bar and began:
Cormrades! Now is the time for questions and after that answers...
Can anyone tell me exactly what the NO2EU - YES 2 DEMOCRACY slogan '...it's a black and white issue', means exactly?
But first of all, who came up with that slogan in the first place? That's right...ME, Bob Tit.
Like my argument years back in Warts mob, the SLP, that you can't play for 2 football teams at once as a way of excluding any bastard we didn't like, '...it's a black and white issue', ostensibly makes no fuckin' sense, but is just an authoritarian whack round the earholes and let me tell you I'm proud of that!
Except...and that's a big except - you may have heard about my recent trip to Gay Paree on a freak tidal bore of ullage...are you trot bastards laughing at the back...well that got me thinking that did...
Maybe it does mean something...I mean by any stretch of the imagination, the European Union could never politically be described as a black and white issue, could it?
Think about it, it's the worst, least appropriate political slogan ever, makes you think of Enoch Powell and rivers of blood.
At best, you think 2 Tone music, which whilst it utilised a '2' instead of a 'to', brings to mind Nelson Mandela and 'Too Much Too Young' and what the fucking hell has that got to do with Europe!
So as I said, I'm bobbing along on me bore of ullage and suddenly it comes to me like a revelation - 'Think of your hard-core vote Bob Tit, never forget your hard-core vote.'
And with that I'm away and I'm researching...
Comrades! Forget Susan Boyle! I showered her with kisses and she threw them back in Bob Tit's face. She is a devil and to be avoided, her applications been voided.
No comrades, let us put away childish things and take out our dildo's and vibrators!
(A commotion begins...fights break out...above the din a voice rings out true!)
We're in a pub, so which one of you po-faced bastards wants a pub quiz? Anyone? Well yr going to fucking well get one!
Who wrote the Wretched of the Earth? Anyone? Franz fucking Fanon! Yr thick as shit the lot of you...
Who wrote The Blacks? Any takers? Jean Genet...
Have any of you dried up prunes heard of George Bataille? Jacques Lacan? The story of O? Celine? 120 Days of Sodom?
Hard core voters...Hard Core Voters...HARD CORE VOTERS...It's a black and white issue! Inter-racial cumshots! Let them rain down and purify!
The Issues are clear! The Issues are never single!
Lights! Action!
(Bob plugs in his powerpoint and presents the new NO2EU NO 2 DEMOCRACY Election broadcast amid scenes unparalleled amongst the British Left...)